Another conversation on Shame. I’m writing, after an unsettling conversation with my parents. My mother spend the week in the hospital. She goes back into the old psychological habits that caused her the illness in the first place. I feel terrified that she’ll get even sicker. My father has issues surrounding money and security. I’m so fucking afraid. That conversation triggered my issue of shame.
The anxiety I keep feeling everyday stems from shame. Because shame is dis-valuing the self and because we are forever ourselves- the anxiety is constant. Ironically, anxiety is the stable thing in my life. My parents are so oblivious to their issues and determined to not heal themselves. It made me desire even more to heal my shame and anxiety.
I’ve learned somewhere in life that I’m a burden. That something is wrong with me. I cannot be trusted. I’m a fraud. I’m incapable. I have no conscious (enough) idea of the birth of those beliefs. You read in my blog a bit about the history of my life and how I developed some of these certain beliefs… but what the hell is the next level? Maybe I need to read it again.
Well, I did write wonderfully about how some beliefs have been crystallized in my mind. The solution, though, the solution- where it is? How do I change my history? Every time I feel that shame, I guess I need to ask myself if it is stems from what I’ve been told or my values and conscience…. I guess time will tell. Maybe the first step, is to accept the shame and the anxiety. Because they are constant. They do not give up on me.