Most of the pain that we feel is caused by not expressing it, verbally or otherwise, and I’d like to now.
I’ve been feeling a lot of pain regarding where I live and I have worthless arguments with the citizens of Israel. I can’t understand why people want to keep fight and hate. But I know that shouting and screaming doesn’t help. I recently read a status update from the page of Israel’s Treasury minister. He said how he’s ashamed of the youngsters who didn’t serve in the army. It angered me so much, but also hurt it in many level. It hurts because they treat people like me as a less of a person, because I cannot emotions and conscientiously serve in this army thing, I can’t unplugged my heart and detach from my emotions. I’m angry that people think that somehow the army is helpful for them in anyway, that somehow it being mandatory is what keeping this country alive. But it’s a lie, this country is dead and it’s protecting the living dead. People are dying here from some many reasons, especially dying in their heart. People here don’t feel, they are just angry but that’s all.
I’m always arguing about the army thing although I know it won’t change people’s mind. But I can’t accept the fact that people in my age are killing themselves because of those sayings. Like some part of me can’t give up on them. It’s like some part of me is serving in the army or has been killed out of that. That anger, frustration and pain is a call God, to the universe, to the hearts of the people. If they could only feel… But they don’t, because they have been in the army and they have been taught to conform and not feel. This is why Israel is filled with people who has no tolerance, it’s because they can’t feel empathy. They can’t feel empathy, because that empathy for themselves have been sacrificed in favor of feeling worthy.
In Israel, you aren’t born with rights. In Israel, you are in a test. Society tests you to see if deserve living here. Being born here is simply not enough to be considered as a decent human being. With that “norm”, how can someone even think about not serving in the army? No one wants to feel abandoned by their own “Family”, nobody wants to feel like a bad person. It’s the biggest brainwash here. It’s a combination of promoting fear and constant threat, enhancing victim mentality and subtracting your worth. The military is a great way of control and we, the citizens, protect it and worship it.
I’m trying to prove and justify my view on this and I think the reason is that I want to wake up the brainwashed part that’s inside me. That part that says:”I am not a good enough person. I don’t deserve love here. People should hate me for not serving in the army. I’m worthless”. I’m fighting for this inner child who thinks he’s nothing, because his gifts aren’t appreciated in the place where he was born into. In this place, sensitivity is weakness, empathy is hypocrisy and being tolerant is a curse. Yet I know, Israel deep inside was asking for me to be born here, Israel is thirsty for people like me, Israel wants this war to be done, because that part of land has suffered from enough wars and deaths.
One of the many reasons I was born here, is to help those voiceless teenagers who die every year- whether they scarified their lives in war or killed themselves for peace. Both groups, died for nothing. Both groups died because of hate and fear- that came from inside and outside of Israel. The thing Israelis don’t get is that in order to have peace- we need to be honest about everything, including how we are feeling. Instead of hating the ones who didn’t serve- they need to cry the pain of having to serve in the army and shutting down their emotions. Because you know why they are really angry??? They are angry because they had to stop feeling. They are angry because they feel worthless too. They protect their service in the army, because this is the only thing that keep their worth and if that table leg falls, their self-worth falls with it.
And let me quote from a wonderful song about the war in Israel:
“You promised a dove, an olive tree leaf. You promised peace at home. You promised to keep promises.” – the song is called the children of Winter 1973- I’m the child of winter 1995, and this year, those children were recruited to the army, to the war.
As much as it’s easy to blame and get mad at the situation- I know that everyone is feeling the hurt and deep down they want to change things. It’s just that it’s hard to change belief systems, but they will change, it will be painful if we hold on too hard. Meanwhile, those who served “hate” me and think I’m a less of a person, but that only bothers because somewhere deep inside I believe it’s true. I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at myself, for not protecting my heart and for letting them hurt me. I am now looking for self-forgiveness and hope that one day I can help them out.
I’m the voice of the voiceless. And I have to speak their message. I’ll never stop until it’ll be healed.