Right now I feel a struggle. I feel like I’m fighting myself again. I have this natural desire to improve how I feel. I think every human is like that, we are biologically wired to improve our well-being. However, sometimes it becomes a struggle, a forceful approach to feeling better.
I’ve learned lately, that healing takes place with the natural pace of our bodies and minds and there’s no need to rush it. I’m still a very impatient human being when it comes to my anxiety, anger and stuck-ness. But this feeling of being stuck, is exactly what happens when you try to force a movement that is not aligned with the natural and unique pace of who you are.
Ironically, my anxiety also comes from trying to go faster than how I currently move. It tells me:”Oh my God Idan!!! you have to, like, figure out how to do the things you want to do now, because if you won’t, you will never do it. Because you’re a procrastinator and you’re like so lazy and you don’t accomplish anything”. So trying to force myself out of it, is just going nowhere. Of course that I want to have creative ideas, express myself and have fun with being an artistic human being, although, what has been happening lately is that I didn’t really explore and experience and connected with the moment. I’m so used of thinking, planing ahead. analyzing, understanding, comprehending, explaining.
I’m an highly mental person. Like every artist. I’m also a very emotional person. Like every artist is. And the best gift I was given is that I’m driven, passionate, dreaming big, striving for excellence and determined. That’s my gift, because it is not given for every artist. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a storm that can rage but also can cast lighting as clear as my own truth and message. I’m the storm, I’m like a human-storm hybrid. That is why I can be really anxious. Sometimes the storm catalyzes you out of your comfort zone and it can be really scary and uneasy, but it’s fucking exciting! I’m learning, little by little, to embrace and look at my anxiety differently. No hurry to understand it right now, but I know I will, I know I am and I know I’ve started already.
I am a blue self-existing storm: “I define in order to catalyze
I seal the matrix of self generation
with the self-existing tone of form.
I am guided by the power of vision.”