Time to face the face.

Another conversation on Shame. I’m writing, after an unsettling conversation with my parents. My mother spend the week in the hospital. She goes back into the old psychological habits that caused her the illness in the first place. I feel terrified that she’ll get even sicker. My father has issues surrounding money and security. I’m so fucking afraid. That conversation triggered my issue of shame.

The anxiety I keep feeling everyday stems from shame. Because shame is dis-valuing the self and because we are forever ourselves- the anxiety is constant. Ironically, anxiety is the stable thing in my life. My parents are so oblivious to their issues and determined to not heal themselves. It made me desire even more to heal my shame and anxiety.

I’ve learned somewhere in life that I’m a burden. That something is wrong with me. I cannot be trusted. I’m a fraud. I’m incapable. I have no conscious (enough) idea of the birth of those beliefs. You read in my blog a bit about the history of my life and how I developed some of these certain beliefs… but what the hell is the next level? Maybe I need to read it again.

…Reading…

Well, I did write wonderfully about how some beliefs have been crystallized in my mind.  The solution, though, the solution- where it is? How do I change my history? Every time I feel that shame, I guess I need to ask myself if it is stems from what I’ve been told or my values and conscience…. I guess time will tell. Maybe the first step, is to accept the shame and the anxiety. Because they are constant. They do not give up on me.

Raw Short Poem- “I am Both”

I’m the prude and I’m the slut.
A mask of innocence covers my naked skin.
I’m the martyr and I’m the sinner.
A stainless facade over my shameful truth.

I’m both.
I’m the one I fear and the one I love.

The truth leaks out of me,
I no longer have control.
The shame is getting weaker after all.

I’m the prude and I’m the slut.
I am exposed.
I throw away myself into the unknown,
Wonder who will win this war…

Living inside of me #3- Shame and Guilt

I’ve researched deeper into myself about the reasons for fearing success, failure and money related stuff. I reached to some interesting conclusions:

-I’m afraid of succeeding because then I’ll be exposed along with my lies: I have a fear that once I’ll succeed, I couldn’t deal with that and make tons of critical mistakes that could lead me to prison. The feelings of shame and guilt are strong. I’ll earn money and won’t know how to handle taxes; the success will come and lead me to my failure.

-I fear failing because then I’ll prove to myself and others that I made a mistake: I fear failing and standing still going nowhere. I’m afraid of being stuck in the same feeling, imprisoned and far away from my dreams. Joining that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that my courage will be discovered as silliness and impulsiveness. I’ll lost money or earn none and that will lead to my failure and fear not trying again.

What is common in both of these statements? The feelings of fear, shame and failure. Reality shows that I don’t believe in myself and in the value I have. I feel like I’m cheating everyone because I can’t seem to grasp my worth while others do. It makes me feel like a fraud because there’s this feeling of pretending. A way to solve that issue is to share how I feel about myself with others. Additionally, as a result of not seeing my worth, I think I won’t be able to deal with success if it’ll come, that would be some sort of luck and will be taken aware because I don’t deserve it. Moreover, my low self-esteem lead to constant feelings of shame and guilt; that guilt is connected to the belief that I’m bad in my core, lazy, useless, needy and looking only for the easiest way instead of being normal like the rest. And the shame is connected to the belief that the truth of who I am isn’t accepted and isn’t positive and so I have to bury the truth of who I am.

Why these fears arise? These fears arise because now I’m facing myself, my reflection. Success is related to my self-esteem and status in society. Although, not just that. The fact that I chose to be honest with myself and follow my heart and dreams (meaning, my truth) then I am literally facing my truth, the truth of who I am and the truth of the fears I sense.

In conclusion, most, if not all of my fears end up in one thing- the feelings of shame and guilt. They stem from my low self-esteem and lack of awareness of my abilities and capabilities.

Living inside of me #2

I did everything to prove my good again, to regenerate it. So I obeyed, I served, I did whatever they told me. I’ve ashamed myself and lowered myself so I’ll be likeable. I’ll pay my price to buy their love. I haven’t realized the heavy price I paid.

I sold who I am to the oblivion. Now, my identity is shattered into pieces lost in the dark space, I want to look for them. It’s hard. It won’t be found unless I will go back to the past and see the explosion in slow motion. It’s hard to focus on that. The distractions are everywhere, the fears will try to do anything to distract you, because it is too painful, because you might have to change everything and be true to yourself. I’m gaining more trust in myself than ever before and yet I fear being washed with the light of the truest I am-ness.

How is it possible? I’ve put all my trust in others, they broke it off and now I’m left to trust no one with my ears still worshiping the opinions of others. I have to be brave and see for myself what is true and what is false. Yet, I keep being distracted by everything, I let my thoughts spiral. Some days it feels like I reach something, my hand reaches out of the limiting box and then, terror, silence.

I love all of those who hurt me as much as I am angry at them. I love them and care for their well-being and at the same time angry that they projected on me all of their insecurities. I’m angry at myself for not being able to rise about it and heal; not being able to heal them.

Do you see how each paragraph contains the I? All of the responsibility that I let fall on my back. Why do I feel responsible for holding life in my own fragile, thin arms? It’s true, I am strong and still it doesn’t mean I should keep it all on me.

The hugest problem in my entire life and the core of my anxiety is that- I am alone. I am all by myself. Nobody will be there when I fall. It is all up to me. This is so lonely and sad, of course I’ll have anxiety all the time. Of course I’ll get distracted by everything. The trigger that caused all that was the army- because it showed me the my “country”/”home” doesn’t see me. Authority isn’t interested in my well-being. I started doubting the universe for letting me experience those challenges. It made me angry that I was born different. I’m incapable, authority is incapable and the universe is incapable, so how the hell can my life turn out for the best? How the hell any good can come out of it? Well, I hope the answer will be in my next blog post.

Living inside of me

It is in tingling my core. It rushes through my blood. It resides there and nourished from negative thoughts. It is anxiety.

I come to learn that anxiety has nothing to do with your performance, situation in life and reality. It is totally detached from anything reasonable. Some people say it is, I say they know nothing about it. At least my experience with it. My anxiety only uses the reality and current situation as an excuse to be fed with more terror and panic.

Anxiety was born when I haven’t noticed and it just came alive when the triggers were frequent and strong enough. I am in constant fear of life. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing it all. Fear of gaining nothing. It is combined with feelings of unworthiness, incapability, doom boundedness and lack of belief in me.

How can a person feel at ease, balanced and peaceful when the person he’s with the most, himself, isn’t trustworthy? I’ve learned to mistrust myself. I’ve learned that my emotions, myself will always lead me to subjective, irrational and wrong decisions and so I have to only trust other people. And it all clashed when they broke my trust too; when they promised something and the safe net detached.

The solution is to regain my trust- but how do I do that? Well, first of all, I need to unlearn and question everything authoritative figures and close “friends” have told me. Both the bad and the good. When the question “who am I?” will not struck horror in me and wouldn’t make me feed of other people’s feedback, that is when I know I’m open to relearn. How do I start? I remember myself again before it all got wrong.

When I was younger, I believed in love, magic and good. I believed this universe is good. I believed everything happens for a reason and that we are protected. I believed in purpose. I believed that my passion is the compass for my future life. I sailed with my mind through seamless landscapes. I’ve always wanted to sail away. I knew in my heart that the place I was born in won’t offer me the truth of who I am. Most of all, I knew I was unhappy with the current situation. I used to believe in myself before I let all these words in- I got offended but I still had a strong grasp on myself. I knew I deserve better attention, appreciation of my abilities and attentive ears. I believed in the “impossible” because I knew that to be 1 in a million is to become impossible. I knew that I am impossible.

What does that mean? I knew always that I was somewhat different, unique. I didn’t had a label for it. I just knew I’m more sensitive, softer, more reflective, more open. I knew that I have a message to the world and this is why I always wanted people to listen, as being ignored was the worst thing possible. They just had to listen! Unfortunately, they invalidated me. They told me I’m irrational. They told me I’m too sensitive. They told me I’m too young to say these things or know something. They told me to trust them and I did because I believed that everyone is good. The moment I doubted their good was the moment I came to the conclusion that I am bad.

What you can't see

Morning Musings

Good Morning everyone. Today the sun is shining through the cracks between the clouds. The wind is blowing hard, almost like it’s racing the sun rays. I woke up to the sound of birds while the sun caressed my face. Still, I wake up, with anxiety or panic thinking I’m late for something. It is comforting however, because I fear getting used to not working and crawling back to my infinite shell away from the world.

My heart is expanding right now as I’m writing this. Almost feels like a proud mom. I look at an art piece I made, a very simple one, yet I’m proud of my dedication to finishing it. I usually give up on art pieces I start and disable myself. It’s a defense mechanism, to protect from criticism, But no one protects me from myself.

DSCF6065

Just so you know, when you decide to leave your mundane job, those fears and judgments will arise. You’d feel like a fraud, a lazy person, crazy and delusional and all the nice things people told you that you’d be if you’ll quit. It happens because you actually have time to think and process it, which is fantastic! I know you might want to hit your head on the wall- but don’t! [unless it's so sort of a creative outlet]

The fact that you’re aware of your fears means that you are open to healing them and it is still your decision to ignore them or communicate with them. My Ego (social identity) will try to convince me and prove that I’m doing a huge mistake and I should hurry and find a solution- a normal job. And yet it is the role of who you truly are to prove to it that you are right. Don’t try to prove it too hard, because it WILL criticize everything you do. The goal is to actually convince the ego that no matter what will achieve, it is the right thing to do. Plus, you don’t want to be anxious each time your goals aren’t met exactly how you want it to.

As always, my purpose for this time is to inspire you to follow your dreams while realistically express the fears you might encounter. So make sure you tune in to more of my musings and emotional expressions.

First day of Independence

Today is my first day without any regular “job”. Which means, I have the power in my hand to create myself the routine I desire. It sounds fun and it is! However, it can be challenging. The most amazing thing I already recognize is how hard it is to decide to go out. Go out and buy things for my room and actually enjoy it! It is easy to get stuck inside your room and come out when it’s already too late and the sun have been set.

My intention is to share with you my journey of dedicating myself to my dreams. Creating something artistic, writing each day my thoughts, meditating, learning lucid dreaming, healing psychological damage in myself and so on… My goal is to inspire others and myself and prove to the world that you can live by doing what you love and succeed.

Now, I’m totally scared. I’ve been so good convincing others it’s a good choice before I even know it’s one. But that is the thing. You just do and see for yourself. My favorite quotes always go by “make mistakes- it means you’re alive” or “fail again, fail better”, stuff like that. Life is about taking the EPIC FAILS and creating something amazing off of it.

http://thefoxisblack.com/blogimages//fail-again-fail-better-samuel-beckett.jpg