Spending with No Regrets

You know what I wish? I wish I could feel free to spend money on myself and on other people without fearing of losing or feeling lack. I want to spend that money and enjoy it and feel happy about it.

My family is great and I’ll never think differently, but- MY GOD, the issues with money here are freaking annoying. Spending money on yourself when you don’t need it- IS SO BAD. But who gets to decide what’s needed? Why we should only spend money on “important” things. What is freaking important anyway? Uggggggggh.

Yeah, these are just my feelings today. I hate being obsessed about money. And now I’m off to learn more Astrology, because I’m cool and… stuff.

Keeping up the Good Stuff

Hello everyone and Good (insert time here)!!!

As you all know, I’ve decided to write a blog post everyday. Mainly to keep a routine as I’m about to leave my 9 to 5 job. But I also think you’d enjoy it and take from it whatever you feel.

This was a wonderful morning. I posted my YouTube video an hour ago and hopefully people will find it helpful and insightful. I also took a walk in the park with my parents and it was refreshing.

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Today, is Yom Kippur, which is a Jewish day in which you are fasting and there are no cars on the road. I’m not fasting, but I enjoyed the fresh clean air of the morning. I’m hoping to get more things done today :D

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling great. Do something fun today! You deserve it ;)

A new journey begins…

Lately people are feeling suicidal, lost, confused, on cross-roads,
stuck, paralyzed, powerless.
I see the number of people feeling those emotions is growing.
Something is happening.
I know part of my purpose is to go through this shit a little bit before others,
so I could help the next phase of this effect.
People are awakening to their own suppressed emotions.
They can suppress no longer. They know there’s something different.
They know that their true selves is about to uncover for them,
but they are also afraid of losing their old life that they are attached to so bad.
We are attached to external safety and stability that was never there.
I’m now going on a journey, to discover what is true safety, stability and confidence.
I’ll document my journey and I WILL help others. I know how crippling it is.
I want to show there’s a way out, there’s always a solution, there’s always a choice.

I’ll be writing in this blog everyday about my progress, my emotions, my thoughts and my desires.

Thank you, I love you <3

Blue Self-existing Storm

Right now I feel a struggle. I feel like I’m fighting myself again. I have this natural desire to improve how I feel. I think every human is like that, we are biologically wired to improve our well-being. However, sometimes it becomes a struggle, a forceful approach to feeling better.

I’ve learned lately, that healing takes place with the natural pace of our bodies and minds and there’s no need to rush it. I’m still a very impatient human being when it comes to my anxiety, anger and stuck-ness. But this feeling of being stuck, is exactly what happens when you try to force a movement that is not aligned with the natural and unique pace of who you are.

Ironically, my anxiety also comes from trying to go faster than how I currently move. It tells me:”Oh my God Idan!!! you have to, like, figure out how to do the things you want to do now, because if you won’t, you will never do it. Because you’re a procrastinator and you’re like so lazy and you don’t accomplish anything”. So trying to force myself out of it, is just going nowhere. Of course that I want to have creative ideas, express myself and have fun with being an artistic human being, although, what has been happening lately is that I didn’t really explore and experience and connected with the moment. I’m so used of thinking, planing ahead. analyzing, understanding, comprehending, explaining.

I’m an highly mental person. Like every artist. I’m also a very emotional person. Like every artist is. And the best gift I was given is that I’m driven, passionate, dreaming big, striving for excellence and determined. That’s my gift, because it is not given for every artist. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a storm that can rage but also can cast lighting as clear as my own truth and message. I’m the storm, I’m like a human-storm hybrid. That is why I can be really anxious. Sometimes the storm catalyzes you out of your comfort zone and it can be really scary and uneasy, but it’s fucking exciting! I’m learning, little by little, to embrace and look at my anxiety differently. No hurry to understand it right now, but I know I will, I know I am and I know I’ve started already.

I am a blue self-existing storm:                                                                                                                                                                  “I define in order to catalyze
measuring energy.
I seal the matrix of self generation
with the self-existing tone of form.
I am guided by the power of vision.”

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In Retrospect…

Through all the drama, suffering, pain, confusion and ongoing challenges- it’s hard to see things ever changing. You forget yourself into depression and it keeps you there from seeing the truth about your progression and healing process. In this blog post, my intention is to go through my healing process since 2013 and see the achievements I’ve earned in the past year. Here they are:

  • Came out of the closet, June 2013: Day of liberation. Day of acceptance. No matter how filled with shame, no matter how much insecurities are still present within me, this was a day of courage. It marked and colored my personal year’s theme as the Freedom year. That act was an act of exposure, burning the facade and being more authentic. Coming out of the closet is an act of opening the door and taking the first step, yet in no means it says to completely accept yourself. In a month from now, it will be the anniversary of that moment, will I take another step, into more light?
  • Finished High School, July 2013: An epic sensation of further freedom and happiness. I’ve worked so hard in high school and I’ve got great grades. I finished with an excellence diploma. As much as grades mean nothing to me, it signifies a different kind of end to suffering. I was bullied in elementary school and managed to survive and move on. I had rough 1.5 years in middle school, was bullied by my teacher and I spoke up and stood up for others; eventually moved to another class and was there until the end and finished with an excellence diploma. I moved to another school, yet insisted on finding MY place, so a year after moved to a different high school which I graduated from. There, I had my first love, improved friendships and new found self-love. That graduation, marks 12 years of challenges and courage. Against all odds, I finished it and excellently!
  • Manifested a trip to London for free, November 2013: This achievement is a proof for me that nothing can stop me. My desire to get there and my confidence that it’ll happen broke beliefs, boundaries and realities. I’ve met amazing friends for ever, was on stage with Teal and enjoyed myself.
  • Got released from the army, December 2013: This is one of the major challenges that year, if not the top one. The year ended with big, epic, juicy act of freedom. I had the most stressful 2 days of my life (3rd and the 4th of December). I felt like it’s either I’m going to die (going to the army) or live (as a free man). That challenge showed me how strong I am, how powerful a desire and a need can be. Obstacle after rejection after another obstacle tired me so much, yet I didn’t give up, I kept going, I kept fighting for myself. I fought for self-love and freedom. And I got there, in one piece. Learned to appreciate my support around me and my wonderful caring family and friends.
  • Manifested London AGAIN, April 2014: Amazingly enough, with all of my willpower, I manifested London trip again. With not a lot of money, I was able to do 50 astrological charts(!!!) and earn enough money for the trip. I met with my wonderful friends and received amazing hospitality. And I even earned more friends! That time, I traveled ALONE by airplane. Another mark of independence. It was possible with the help of amazing kind human beings. I’ve learned that human beings and relationships are the most important factor for succeeding and being happy in life. Oh, and I was on stage again.

What’s next? Opening up more and becoming more of myself that’s for sure! 2013 was a year of losing the old self, burning it totally. And 2014, is a very confusing year of being selfless; finding my true authentic self. In order for it to be possible, I have to follow my emotions and open up more to the truth of I am and project it outwards.

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Why am I still unhappy?

Since the shitty 2013, things have gone way better and a big amount of my biggest desires manifested by the power of my heart. No army, more money from things I mostly enjoy doing, awesome friends, traveling opportunities and yet, as much as I’m happy for those, I’m not grateful, fulfilled and inspired.

I carry that sensation of heaviness and dirtiness. I feel a lot of distractions. I feel like the air in my empty lungs and stomach is freezing and turning into ice that’s pressuring me from within. Frankly, I’m tired of avoiding it and invalidating it. I’m telling to go, that there’s no reason to feel like that anymore, that the bad things are gone, the war is over. But the anxiety is alive, my heart is preparing for the moment when it will fall apart. There’s uneasiness, there’s fear that I cannot let go, I still can’t let go. I feel like I distract myself from my emotions through addiction to action, information and mental stimulation. Not fulfilling and uninspiring junk content.

I don’t let myself enjoy the things I do by lowering the worth of what I do or seeing the downsides. Basically, focusing negatively on objects- me, actions, scenarios and experiences. And I’m asking myself- WHY??? Why the fuck do I do that? Why am I abusing myself intentionally?! For what purpose? And then another layer of forcing myself to enjoy life. WHY???

I want to be free. Free of hurt, free of pain, free of misery. I want to let go. I want to be spontaneous. I want to throw away the need to plan and the belief that only with plans I gain happiness. I want to stop control my happiness and just become happy and content in whatever is going on. I want to let myself feel my emotions as they are right now, regardless of how I “really should” feel about the situation.

I’m aware of a sensation that’s occurring a lot in my body. Every time I think a positive thought that creates some kind of relief in my body and I’m finding myself being able to breathe in and out- during the breathing I stiffen and freeze the air and tense my stomach again. It’s like, I finally improve my mood but restrict it again, like it’s not allowed, like I should feel guilty every time I breathe. Like joy is some kind of rare resource that I cannot spend carelessly.

I’m writing all of this, without crying, I still don’t allow myself to feel what I feel and release and yet condemn myself for not being happy. All the comes out is a yawn, a cough or a throwing up reflex but no tears, no release. I hold onto something so hard but I don’t even know what and why. I just want to let go, I just want to feel free and I just want to fly and soar in the beautiful colorful skies with no fear of ever losing my wings.

Letting it out

Most of the pain that we feel is caused by not expressing it, verbally or otherwise, and I’d like to now.

I’ve been feeling a lot of pain regarding where I live and I have worthless arguments with the citizens of Israel. I can’t understand why people want to keep fight and hate. But I know that shouting and screaming doesn’t help. I recently read a status update from the page of Israel’s Treasury minister. He said how he’s ashamed of the youngsters who didn’t serve in the army. It angered me so much, but also hurt it in many level. It hurts because they treat people like me as a less of a person, because I cannot emotions and conscientiously serve in this army thing, I can’t unplugged my heart and detach from my emotions. I’m angry that people think that somehow the army is helpful for them in anyway, that somehow it being mandatory is what keeping this country alive. But it’s a lie, this country is dead and it’s protecting the living dead. People are dying here from some many reasons, especially dying in their heart. People here don’t feel, they are just angry but that’s all.

I’m always arguing about the army thing although I know it won’t change people’s mind. But I can’t accept the fact that people in my age are killing themselves because of those sayings. Like some part of me can’t give up on them. It’s like some part of me is serving in the army or has been killed out of that. That anger, frustration and pain is a call God, to the universe, to the hearts of the people. If they could only feel… But they don’t, because they have been in the army and they have been taught to conform and not feel. This is why Israel is filled with people who has no tolerance, it’s because they can’t feel empathy. They can’t feel empathy, because that empathy for themselves have been sacrificed in favor of feeling worthy.

In Israel, you aren’t born with rights. In Israel, you are in a test. Society tests you to see if deserve living here. Being born here is simply not enough to be considered as a decent human being. With that “norm”, how can someone even think about not serving in the army? No one wants to feel abandoned by their own “Family”, nobody wants to feel like a bad person. It’s the biggest brainwash here. It’s a combination of promoting fear and constant threat, enhancing victim mentality and subtracting your worth. The military is a great way of control and we, the citizens, protect it and worship it.

I’m trying to prove and justify my view on this and I think the reason is that I want to wake up the brainwashed part that’s inside me. That part that says:”I am not a good enough person. I don’t deserve love here. People should hate me for not serving in the army. I’m worthless”. I’m fighting for this inner child who thinks he’s nothing, because his gifts aren’t appreciated in the place where he was born into. In this place, sensitivity is weakness, empathy is hypocrisy and being tolerant is a curse. Yet I know, Israel deep inside was asking for me to be born here, Israel is thirsty for people like me, Israel wants this war to be done, because that part of land has suffered from enough wars and deaths.

One of the many reasons I was born here, is to help those voiceless teenagers who die every year- whether they scarified their lives in war or killed themselves for peace. Both groups, died for nothing. Both groups died because of hate and fear- that came from inside and outside of Israel. The thing Israelis don’t get is that in order to have peace- we need to be honest about everything, including how we are feeling. Instead of hating the ones who didn’t serve- they need to cry the pain of having to serve in the army and shutting down their emotions. Because you know why they are really angry??? They are angry because they had to stop feeling. They are angry because they feel worthless too. They protect their service in the army, because this is the only thing that keep their worth and if that table leg falls, their self-worth falls with it.

And let me quote from a wonderful song about the war in Israel:

“You promised a dove, an olive tree leaf. You promised peace at home. You promised to keep promises.” – the song is called the children of Winter 1973- I’m the child of winter 1995, and this year, those children were recruited to the army, to the war.

As much as it’s easy to blame and get mad at the situation- I know that everyone is feeling the hurt and deep down they want to change things. It’s just that it’s hard to change belief systems, but they will change, it will be painful if we hold on too hard. Meanwhile, those who served “hate” me and think I’m a less of a person, but that only bothers because somewhere deep inside I believe it’s true. I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at myself, for not protecting my heart and for letting them hurt me. I am now looking for self-forgiveness and hope that one day I can help them out.

I’m the voice of the voiceless. And I have to speak their message. I’ll never stop until it’ll be healed.