In truth…

I’m a wreck, I’m a mess.
Most of the time, I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I know that I do things because it feels right,
because it feels enjoyable. Because it feels true.
But in truth, I know nothing at all.
I’ve been told I’m inspiring and wise,
although frankly, I’m just… as inspiring and wise as you guys.
I know as much as you do.
My only thing that I’d like anyone to know,
especially young people around my age is that-
don’t let other people stress you over knowing what you want or knowing who you are.
My message is to be yourself every moment and it can change every single moment,
and that’s ok.
There will not be one word to describe who you are and probably-
not even any word in the vocabulary.
In the 4 months of my 9 to 5 job, I’ve been told again and again how young I am,
and lack experience and so… I know less.
Then how is it so, that I’m barely 20 years old and already know that no ones knows anything, even 60 years old people know nothing.
I see mature people work in mature jobs from 9 to 5 and yet anxious to get back home…
Most of them, don’t even know that they are suffering.
At least, I knew that I have. At least what we can all learn and know is how we feel,
why we feel it and what to do about it.
My inspiration comes from you. Comes from people who are willing to be who they are.
Comes from people who are willing to face rejection, hurt, insecurity, loss and still get up,
every day, not giving up on themselves.
We are the lost generations and today we will be found. We will be found when we’ll acknowledge that we are all lost.

Driving Home

My body is tired, my spirit is rough. I’ve been taking the public transport and got after 2 hours home. The length is about 27 km. It supposed to take maybe 30-40 minutes. This feeling of despair doesn’t only stem from the length of the time, it stems from my weariness in work. I’m proud of myself though.

I don’t stay in the complaint mode. I’m taking a brave step to quit this job and do more things I love- like Astrology, art, theater, music and entertainment. I’m OWNING my desires. The common mindset in Israel is to play the victim, complain, but do nothing. Usually people who hate their jobs, find ways to manipulate their ways to work less. And this is why our country looks like… nobody really does what he/she needs to do.

There’s a problem around the world with society making people choose shitty jobs because of money or social stress. One my desires and goals is to inspire people to do what they love and to prove them that they can change their ways and not die! Frankly, people afraid losing all their money and security. When you realize the real security is in trusting yourself- the world changes.

And again, I have no idea how I’m going to make this work and how I’m going to inspire other. Although, I know one thing- the most inspiring people in my life are people who’ve gone through shit because they dared and took risks, but they soared so high. It’s hard to do something opposing such a big part of society. However, once you do it, it’s powerful.

I wish to inspire people to become happier and share my process. So my goals is to write my process here once I quit my job (November), and also document in my videos. Thank you all <3

Spending with No Regrets

You know what I wish? I wish I could feel free to spend money on myself and on other people without fearing of losing or feeling lack. I want to spend that money and enjoy it and feel happy about it.

My family is great and I’ll never think differently, but- MY GOD, the issues with money here are freaking annoying. Spending money on yourself when you don’t need it- IS SO BAD. But who gets to decide what’s needed? Why we should only spend money on “important” things. What is freaking important anyway? Uggggggggh.

Yeah, these are just my feelings today. I hate being obsessed about money. And now I’m off to learn more Astrology, because I’m cool and… stuff.

Keeping up the Good Stuff

Hello everyone and Good (insert time here)!!!

As you all know, I’ve decided to write a blog post everyday. Mainly to keep a routine as I’m about to leave my 9 to 5 job. But I also think you’d enjoy it and take from it whatever you feel.

This was a wonderful morning. I posted my YouTube video an hour ago and hopefully people will find it helpful and insightful. I also took a walk in the park with my parents and it was refreshing.

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Today, is Yom Kippur, which is a Jewish day in which you are fasting and there are no cars on the road. I’m not fasting, but I enjoyed the fresh clean air of the morning. I’m hoping to get more things done today :D

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling great. Do something fun today! You deserve it ;)

A new journey begins…

Lately people are feeling suicidal, lost, confused, on cross-roads,
stuck, paralyzed, powerless.
I see the number of people feeling those emotions is growing.
Something is happening.
I know part of my purpose is to go through this shit a little bit before others,
so I could help the next phase of this effect.
People are awakening to their own suppressed emotions.
They can suppress no longer. They know there’s something different.
They know that their true selves is about to uncover for them,
but they are also afraid of losing their old life that they are attached to so bad.
We are attached to external safety and stability that was never there.
I’m now going on a journey, to discover what is true safety, stability and confidence.
I’ll document my journey and I WILL help others. I know how crippling it is.
I want to show there’s a way out, there’s always a solution, there’s always a choice.

I’ll be writing in this blog everyday about my progress, my emotions, my thoughts and my desires.

Thank you, I love you <3

Blue Self-existing Storm

Right now I feel a struggle. I feel like I’m fighting myself again. I have this natural desire to improve how I feel. I think every human is like that, we are biologically wired to improve our well-being. However, sometimes it becomes a struggle, a forceful approach to feeling better.

I’ve learned lately, that healing takes place with the natural pace of our bodies and minds and there’s no need to rush it. I’m still a very impatient human being when it comes to my anxiety, anger and stuck-ness. But this feeling of being stuck, is exactly what happens when you try to force a movement that is not aligned with the natural and unique pace of who you are.

Ironically, my anxiety also comes from trying to go faster than how I currently move. It tells me:”Oh my God Idan!!! you have to, like, figure out how to do the things you want to do now, because if you won’t, you will never do it. Because you’re a procrastinator and you’re like so lazy and you don’t accomplish anything”. So trying to force myself out of it, is just going nowhere. Of course that I want to have creative ideas, express myself and have fun with being an artistic human being, although, what has been happening lately is that I didn’t really explore and experience and connected with the moment. I’m so used of thinking, planing ahead. analyzing, understanding, comprehending, explaining.

I’m an highly mental person. Like every artist. I’m also a very emotional person. Like every artist is. And the best gift I was given is that I’m driven, passionate, dreaming big, striving for excellence and determined. That’s my gift, because it is not given for every artist. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a storm that can rage but also can cast lighting as clear as my own truth and message. I’m the storm, I’m like a human-storm hybrid. That is why I can be really anxious. Sometimes the storm catalyzes you out of your comfort zone and it can be really scary and uneasy, but it’s fucking exciting! I’m learning, little by little, to embrace and look at my anxiety differently. No hurry to understand it right now, but I know I will, I know I am and I know I’ve started already.

I am a blue self-existing storm:                                                                                                                                                                  “I define in order to catalyze
measuring energy.
I seal the matrix of self generation
with the self-existing tone of form.
I am guided by the power of vision.”

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In Retrospect…

Through all the drama, suffering, pain, confusion and ongoing challenges- it’s hard to see things ever changing. You forget yourself into depression and it keeps you there from seeing the truth about your progression and healing process. In this blog post, my intention is to go through my healing process since 2013 and see the achievements I’ve earned in the past year. Here they are:

  • Came out of the closet, June 2013: Day of liberation. Day of acceptance. No matter how filled with shame, no matter how much insecurities are still present within me, this was a day of courage. It marked and colored my personal year’s theme as the Freedom year. That act was an act of exposure, burning the facade and being more authentic. Coming out of the closet is an act of opening the door and taking the first step, yet in no means it says to completely accept yourself. In a month from now, it will be the anniversary of that moment, will I take another step, into more light?
  • Finished High School, July 2013: An epic sensation of further freedom and happiness. I’ve worked so hard in high school and I’ve got great grades. I finished with an excellence diploma. As much as grades mean nothing to me, it signifies a different kind of end to suffering. I was bullied in elementary school and managed to survive and move on. I had rough 1.5 years in middle school, was bullied by my teacher and I spoke up and stood up for others; eventually moved to another class and was there until the end and finished with an excellence diploma. I moved to another school, yet insisted on finding MY place, so a year after moved to a different high school which I graduated from. There, I had my first love, improved friendships and new found self-love. That graduation, marks 12 years of challenges and courage. Against all odds, I finished it and excellently!
  • Manifested a trip to London for free, November 2013: This achievement is a proof for me that nothing can stop me. My desire to get there and my confidence that it’ll happen broke beliefs, boundaries and realities. I’ve met amazing friends for ever, was on stage with Teal and enjoyed myself.
  • Got released from the army, December 2013: This is one of the major challenges that year, if not the top one. The year ended with big, epic, juicy act of freedom. I had the most stressful 2 days of my life (3rd and the 4th of December). I felt like it’s either I’m going to die (going to the army) or live (as a free man). That challenge showed me how strong I am, how powerful a desire and a need can be. Obstacle after rejection after another obstacle tired me so much, yet I didn’t give up, I kept going, I kept fighting for myself. I fought for self-love and freedom. And I got there, in one piece. Learned to appreciate my support around me and my wonderful caring family and friends.
  • Manifested London AGAIN, April 2014: Amazingly enough, with all of my willpower, I manifested London trip again. With not a lot of money, I was able to do 50 astrological charts(!!!) and earn enough money for the trip. I met with my wonderful friends and received amazing hospitality. And I even earned more friends! That time, I traveled ALONE by airplane. Another mark of independence. It was possible with the help of amazing kind human beings. I’ve learned that human beings and relationships are the most important factor for succeeding and being happy in life. Oh, and I was on stage again.

What’s next? Opening up more and becoming more of myself that’s for sure! 2013 was a year of losing the old self, burning it totally. And 2014, is a very confusing year of being selfless; finding my true authentic self. In order for it to be possible, I have to follow my emotions and open up more to the truth of I am and project it outwards.

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