Since the shitty 2013, things have gone way better and a big amount of my biggest desires manifested by the power of my heart. No army, more money from things I mostly enjoy doing, awesome friends, traveling opportunities and yet, as much as I’m happy for those, I’m not grateful, fulfilled and inspired.
I carry that sensation of heaviness and dirtiness. I feel a lot of distractions. I feel like the air in my empty lungs and stomach is freezing and turning into ice that’s pressuring me from within. Frankly, I’m tired of avoiding it and invalidating it. I’m telling to go, that there’s no reason to feel like that anymore, that the bad things are gone, the war is over. But the anxiety is alive, my heart is preparing for the moment when it will fall apart. There’s uneasiness, there’s fear that I cannot let go, I still can’t let go. I feel like I distract myself from my emotions through addiction to action, information and mental stimulation. Not fulfilling and uninspiring junk content.
I don’t let myself enjoy the things I do by lowering the worth of what I do or seeing the downsides. Basically, focusing negatively on objects- me, actions, scenarios and experiences. And I’m asking myself- WHY??? Why the fuck do I do that? Why am I abusing myself intentionally?! For what purpose? And then another layer of forcing myself to enjoy life. WHY???
I want to be free. Free of hurt, free of pain, free of misery. I want to let go. I want to be spontaneous. I want to throw away the need to plan and the belief that only with plans I gain happiness. I want to stop control my happiness and just become happy and content in whatever is going on. I want to let myself feel my emotions as they are right now, regardless of how I “really should” feel about the situation.
I’m aware of a sensation that’s occurring a lot in my body. Every time I think a positive thought that creates some kind of relief in my body and I’m finding myself being able to breathe in and out- during the breathing I stiffen and freeze the air and tense my stomach again. It’s like, I finally improve my mood but restrict it again, like it’s not allowed, like I should feel guilty every time I breathe. Like joy is some kind of rare resource that I cannot spend carelessly.
I’m writing all of this, without crying, I still don’t allow myself to feel what I feel and release and yet condemn myself for not being happy. All the comes out is a yawn, a cough or a throwing up reflex but no tears, no release. I hold onto something so hard but I don’t even know what and why. I just want to let go, I just want to feel free and I just want to fly and soar in the beautiful colorful skies with no fear of ever losing my wings.