Why am I still unhappy?

Since the shitty 2013, things have gone way better and a big amount of my biggest desires manifested by the power of my heart. No army, more money from things I mostly enjoy doing, awesome friends, traveling opportunities and yet, as much as I’m happy for those, I’m not grateful, fulfilled and inspired.

I carry that sensation of heaviness and dirtiness. I feel a lot of distractions. I feel like the air in my empty lungs and stomach is freezing and turning into ice that’s pressuring me from within. Frankly, I’m tired of avoiding it and invalidating it. I’m telling to go, that there’s no reason to feel like that anymore, that the bad things are gone, the war is over. But the anxiety is alive, my heart is preparing for the moment when it will fall apart. There’s uneasiness, there’s fear that I cannot let go, I still can’t let go. I feel like I distract myself from my emotions through addiction to action, information and mental stimulation. Not fulfilling and uninspiring junk content.

I don’t let myself enjoy the things I do by lowering the worth of what I do or seeing the downsides. Basically, focusing negatively on objects- me, actions, scenarios and experiences. And I’m asking myself- WHY??? Why the fuck do I do that? Why am I abusing myself intentionally?! For what purpose? And then another layer of forcing myself to enjoy life. WHY???

I want to be free. Free of hurt, free of pain, free of misery. I want to let go. I want to be spontaneous. I want to throw away the need to plan and the belief that only with plans I gain happiness. I want to stop control my happiness and just become happy and content in whatever is going on. I want to let myself feel my emotions as they are right now, regardless of how I “really should” feel about the situation.

I’m aware of a sensation that’s occurring a lot in my body. Every time I think a positive thought that creates some kind of relief in my body and I’m finding myself being able to breathe in and out- during the breathing I stiffen and freeze the air and tense my stomach again. It’s like, I finally improve my mood but restrict it again, like it’s not allowed, like I should feel guilty every time I breathe. Like joy is some kind of rare resource that I cannot spend carelessly.

I’m writing all of this, without crying, I still don’t allow myself to feel what I feel and release and yet condemn myself for not being happy. All the comes out is a yawn, a cough or a throwing up reflex but no tears, no release. I hold onto something so hard but I don’t even know what and why. I just want to let go, I just want to feel free and I just want to fly and soar in the beautiful colorful skies with no fear of ever losing my wings.

Letting it out

Most of the pain that we feel is caused by not expressing it, verbally or otherwise, and I’d like to now.

I’ve been feeling a lot of pain regarding where I live and I have worthless arguments with the citizens of Israel. I can’t understand why people want to keep fight and hate. But I know that shouting and screaming doesn’t help. I recently read a status update from the page of Israel’s Treasury minister. He said how he’s ashamed of the youngsters who didn’t serve in the army. It angered me so much, but also hurt it in many level. It hurts because they treat people like me as a less of a person, because I cannot emotions and conscientiously serve in this army thing, I can’t unplugged my heart and detach from my emotions. I’m angry that people think that somehow the army is helpful for them in anyway, that somehow it being mandatory is what keeping this country alive. But it’s a lie, this country is dead and it’s protecting the living dead. People are dying here from some many reasons, especially dying in their heart. People here don’t feel, they are just angry but that’s all.

I’m always arguing about the army thing although I know it won’t change people’s mind. But I can’t accept the fact that people in my age are killing themselves because of those sayings. Like some part of me can’t give up on them. It’s like some part of me is serving in the army or has been killed out of that. That anger, frustration and pain is a call God, to the universe, to the hearts of the people. If they could only feel… But they don’t, because they have been in the army and they have been taught to conform and not feel. This is why Israel is filled with people who has no tolerance, it’s because they can’t feel empathy. They can’t feel empathy, because that empathy for themselves have been sacrificed in favor of feeling worthy.

In Israel, you aren’t born with rights. In Israel, you are in a test. Society tests you to see if deserve living here. Being born here is simply not enough to be considered as a decent human being. With that “norm”, how can someone even think about not serving in the army? No one wants to feel abandoned by their own “Family”, nobody wants to feel like a bad person. It’s the biggest brainwash here. It’s a combination of promoting fear and constant threat, enhancing victim mentality and subtracting your worth. The military is a great way of control and we, the citizens, protect it and worship it.

I’m trying to prove and justify my view on this and I think the reason is that I want to wake up the brainwashed part that’s inside me. That part that says:”I am not a good enough person. I don’t deserve love here. People should hate me for not serving in the army. I’m worthless”. I’m fighting for this inner child who thinks he’s nothing, because his gifts aren’t appreciated in the place where he was born into. In this place, sensitivity is weakness, empathy is hypocrisy and being tolerant is a curse. Yet I know, Israel deep inside was asking for me to be born here, Israel is thirsty for people like me, Israel wants this war to be done, because that part of land has suffered from enough wars and deaths.

One of the many reasons I was born here, is to help those voiceless teenagers who die every year- whether they scarified their lives in war or killed themselves for peace. Both groups, died for nothing. Both groups died because of hate and fear- that came from inside and outside of Israel. The thing Israelis don’t get is that in order to have peace- we need to be honest about everything, including how we are feeling. Instead of hating the ones who didn’t serve- they need to cry the pain of having to serve in the army and shutting down their emotions. Because you know why they are really angry??? They are angry because they had to stop feeling. They are angry because they feel worthless too. They protect their service in the army, because this is the only thing that keep their worth and if that table leg falls, their self-worth falls with it.

And let me quote from a wonderful song about the war in Israel:

“You promised a dove, an olive tree leaf. You promised peace at home. You promised to keep promises.” – the song is called the children of Winter 1973- I’m the child of winter 1995, and this year, those children were recruited to the army, to the war.

As much as it’s easy to blame and get mad at the situation- I know that everyone is feeling the hurt and deep down they want to change things. It’s just that it’s hard to change belief systems, but they will change, it will be painful if we hold on too hard. Meanwhile, those who served “hate” me and think I’m a less of a person, but that only bothers because somewhere deep inside I believe it’s true. I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at myself, for not protecting my heart and for letting them hurt me. I am now looking for self-forgiveness and hope that one day I can help them out.

I’m the voice of the voiceless. And I have to speak their message. I’ll never stop until it’ll be healed.

 

A Massive Universal Hug

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Each time I see the raindrops and smell the fresh air- I feel at peace. I feel the world is coming together and cleansing with a unified intention ourselves. Rain is unity. Each time it rains, I feel at home, I feel like I belong, I feel god. The grey clouds are like a massive hug that comforts me when I cry. Today I woke up with the sunrise and with the rain. The sun colored the clouds with pink-orange colors and the rain played its music on my window. Whenever I witness those nature small wonders, I forget myself and my troubles, I forget my past and my future and I transcend into this beauty.

Every time it rains, I feel hope, I feel comforted, I feel loved. It’s like god’s own way to say to me how much it loves me and appreciates my being here and thus creates for me this wonderful well-being. I trust myself and my ability to create together a wonderful unified loving world. It starts from within. I love myself and I’ll do anything I can to preserve and enhance this love I have for myself and others. It wouldn’t rain if I didn’t love myself.

Thank you for being here and reading this message, I love you all <3

I am Free

Why on Earth we live like caged animals? Why do we wait for a sign to be free? Why are we standing still making sure to be cautious, making sure we are making the right steps? WHY ON EARTH are we so afraid???

All those questions are running through my mind as I fail to understand why. I can’t grasp the idea of that collective fear. The fear of doing the wrong thing, the fear of losing it all. The fear of insecurity. But can’t you see? You are already insecure. You are insecure in yourself, your ability and your faith. How on Earth do you think you are capable of having external security? It’s not secure to stand still and wait for a sign… this is the most insecure thing ever. In a world where we call the insecurity- “safe”, we are bound to be afraid.

I’m saying- NO MORE! NO FUCKING MORE! We are even afraid of cursing. I want to live my life with excitement and not stress; with bliss  and not a burden; with love and without fear. I want to be free. And the moment I’ve been waiting for is here: I AM FREE. I’m already free. I can doubt myself forever, I can let the fear play in my head whenever they want- but I CHOOSE what to focus on. I CHOOSE to believe. I CHOOSE to do the scary thing everyone is afraid of and it’s called trusting yourself and your heart. It’s true- the proofs in my life showed me that money can only come through a job and that magic belongs only to dreams. But no my friends, we are living the dream. We are living our dreams. Magic exists.  Only WE can let the crazy unbelievably impossible magic to become the possible and the predictable. It’s a magic in itself that we could actually limit ourselves to such a degree that we fear living. Now that’s magical. If we could do that, why can’t we do that opposite?

I am free. I was born to free like all of you. But I was given the gift, and the gift is- Destined to be free. Being born gay is a gift because I have no other choice then to be free, than to be who I am, than to be authentic in my expression. I have no other choice. The other one is too painful it’s not even worth living. But I was given the gift to live. And so is everyone else to on the planet. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE FREE. Yes! It is possible. Guys and Gals… It’s not about dissolving and getting rid of the fear. It’s about doing what we truly desire in spite of our fear, because fear is just a thought, just a strong belief that is associated with lack of stability, predictability and so-called security. But fear is the biggest insecurity of the world. And it’s OK. Let us befriend fear. Fear is just there to protect us, to keep us alive. Let’s honor it, give it its place, but then tell it that it’s OK, that we can do it, that the universe also makes sure we are safe and alive and we can trust it. Let’s teach the fear to trust the universe. We can do it. We have to prove it first. And we can. Because we are free, we are bound to be free and we were always free.

Emotional Splash on an Online Canvas

Color Splash by alvarola

I’ve decided to write once again. This time, I have no general theme or an idea that popped into my mind. So as I wrote… it’s like an emotional splash, variety of emotions, out there and raw. I’m writing this at my closed room, watching the grey cloudy skies and making myself warm with winter clothing. The room is closed, because my parents fight once again and before… my brother went all crazy and screamed because he hates himself. I don’t pity myself, but those are the moment where I feel like I don’t belong, like I want to run away, like I want the wind to take me to another world. It may seem funny, but as much as I have tons of problem with self-love, I’m way better than my family members. They have lost hope, trust, happiness and love. I’m crying. I’m afraid. They are afraid. I don’t feel safe in my own home. I love my parents and brothers a lot, but I don’t feel safe with them, they don’t feel safe with themselves. I’m afraid that I won’t have a job soon and I won’t make enough money to do what I love to do and I’m afraid that my parents will start mentioning that. I’m afraid because then it will stress me out and they would stress out and I don’t want to worry them or disappoint them.

It’s hard, because I have the biggest fight between my mind and heart. My heart knows I’ll have an opportunity soon and in the right time and the heart always, with no failure, turns to be right. But my Ego mind is afraid because I want to please my parents, I want to show them I’m capable of having a job, I want to prove to them that I’m not dependent on them. But, I know it’s not gonna happen. My being alone challenges them. I always challenge them without even intending to (which makes me feel awful and a burden). I made them go through a hard time because of the army, I made them cry because I came out of the closet. And now… now I want to make money in some random unplanned way and how could they trust that or me? For them, I’m innocent. They believe that I believe, but they don’t believe that I’m capable of thinking logically and finding a job. Or it’s all just in my head like most of the stuff.

I just want to make them proud, I just want to show them that I’m capable of doing everything I love and desire and actually survive and have money. But how could they believe if they are themselves struggle with money and arguing about it? My father worries about money and believes he won’t have money unless he’ll work hard. My mother doesn’t want to work because it kills her body, literally, it makes her sick to do something she doesn’t love. Makes sense. But my father’s fears are stronger than trust. My entire family has trust issues, because they don’t trust themselves. I trust myself a little bit more and it makes them go nuts. It makes me go nuts to. Because I let their fears to impact on my trust, I let it affect me, because in subconscious way, it makes me think that if I won’t, they will not love me. So letting them affect me, listening to them makes me feel for a moment that I’m loved and approved. But the fact doesn’t change… I’m different. I challenge them whether I want to or not. Because being born as gay challenges them enough. And even if they wanted to change that they couldn’t.

I feel unsafe because I feel alone. I have no choice other than trusting myself and my heart, I have no choice other than listening to myself. So I’m in my room, trying to block everything, trying to forget, but I chose this path, I chose those challenges in order to know what belonging is, in order to find my safe home.

Diving Deep into the Fear

And all that is, all that ever left,
were your eyes, tearing up.
All that has felt from me,
were fractions of my soul tearing down.

No clarity and no truth,
only the leftovers of love.
But you there beside me can see,
the truth that’s buried in me.

Letting go is hard without your awaiting nest,
but I have to let go and dive deep, without rest.
I know you are here for me dear and I know we are for each other,
help me lose myself in oblivion and light my way when its done.

Soon, I’ll get lost into the fear. I know it was my intention, before it’s over. In less than 2 weeks, I’m going to the army basis, I’m going there to completely lose myself. There, my emotions will take over, I’ll become one with them, because I didn’t let them see my insides sooner. The anxiety is building up with the fear and deep overwhelming sadness- but this time, It’s a conscious choice. I’m afraid that they still wouldn’t want to see that it’s not me that they want there. I’ll be there and scream out the pain of many people who’ve gone through the same thing I have gone through.

Throughout that process, I heard more and more similar stories to mine. I was overwhelmed with anger but also felt a lot less alone. Those stories were shut down, mostly by those who’ve gone through this, out of guilt and shame of not serving. But I’m different, I don’t care what they think of me, because when I know in my heart the truth, I wouldn’t stay quiet. People have also killed themselves before and in the army- but nobody talks about it, because it’s OK to sacrifice life in order to keep the country safe. But I wonder, is the country safe like that? We are not safe in that country when we are sending 100,000 18 years old girls and guys to the army. We are not safe when we hate the guts of one another, we are not safe with ourselves. The army kills also our own citizens by existing. But no one talks about it ENOUGH. Instead, they are mocking people who don’t serve in the media. Because they can’t stand the fact that they didn’t know they could walk in the path of self-love and their hearts’ desire.

My last “job” here in Israel will be to fight for those people who died because no one listened to them, because they felt alone, because no one SAW them as they are. I fell in the middle. I won’t let anyone else fall as well. I’m a warrior of love and I will fight for the people with no voice. And then I’ll say goodbye to that country and hope to learn to love it again.

I’m angry and I am hurt. I am an enemy to this country, but that country overlooked its own sons and daughters.

Extreme Transition

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I spent a wonderful, blissful, emotional, out-worldly week in London. The energies there compared to Israel are much higher. You would think that from what happened in London in the past+ a big crowded city that the energies will be lower then a nice quiet neighborhood in Israel. That’s not the case. The vibes are totally different, even extreme. You can see in London a great amount of respect, tolerance and patience. When I came back to Israel I’ve already experienced impatience and disrespect. Why do you ask? In Israel it’s all about war and survival.  Those minds are used to hearing that we are in constant life threat, that everyone hates us and the we need to take care of our security. That’s a bunch of BS. But it’s very real for the Israelis- so that’s the reality.

It was especially hard for me to say goodbye to my new(or very old) friends. They are my ray of sunshine. They did this whole trip worthwhile for me. I’ve experienced that strong connection that I didn’t experience before- a sense of home in a land far away from my physical homeland.  I didn’t experience a lot of true friendships, probably also because of my own resistance to that idea of friendships- as I find it hard to believe someone would like to be genuinely my friend; and also the lack of understanding what true friendship means. But now I know. It’s the sense of connection, sense of non-separateness- like we never were apart.

I’m also back to my previously created reality- army stuffs. I’m back into that mud. But I’m back from a different perspective- I want to experience whatever emotion arise, whatever fear that wants to visit me, those are gonna be intense 2 weeks.

This is an extreme transition that feels more like an incision. But an incision’s purpose is to heal, and this is what I’m all about.