Here we meet again. After a lot of months. This is the place where I can release everything, with probably the least attention.
I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life, university, yet I’m not where near happy or excited. I was excited for a while, but it was easy to demolish these infrequent emotions. I am still in a state of depression and anxiety, racing towards healing and joy.
Though, I am at a different place. No longer a spiritual youngster. Just a young person. I feel that spirituality was a tool for me to escape the pain, to explain my difference.
I have a lot of masks to numb the confusion, disbelief, hopelessness, constant fear and sadness that I feel. I put the cynical mask to entertain people, or the “loser” character to laugh off my true feeling of failure and low self-esteem.My YouTube Channels help me with releasing some tension and being in lighter head spaces.
However, I’ve noticed a pattern I am getting used to when I feel lost. I tend to go into obsession with self-improvement and stretch my fatigue further. I keep going into the “strong” mindset and resist my anxiety, depression and building physical pressure.
I hate being in this places of in-authenticity. It confuses me and makes me lose my identity or my sense of self. I am really not that “loser” inside, the ones who gives up or thinks everything is going down. I am actually an optimistic person who experiences some deep low self-esteem. I do feel like I have failed. Failed to pursue acting, failed to excel on YouTube, failed at taking care of myself. I can’t stand failure and in order to be a successful person, I have to deal with disappointments and not let it break me down.
But and it’s an important point- understanding why I’m easily affected is crucial. Low self-esteem is a true thing people. Believing you’re weird, unprofessional, pathetic, not good enough and lazy is detrimental. It’s deadly.
When will it ends? When will the skies get clearer? When will I finally feel good about myself again? I remember believing I can do this, I remember having no doubt in my dreams. I remember enjoying life, enjoying performing. I remember spending days on writing ideas for videos, creating mini-games, being artistic and loving it. It’s in me somewhere, it’s in me. I know it, even though, I’m crying as I write this blog post.
I bore myself with this constant situation of insecurity. ARGHHH! I want to shout and love who I am. I want to scream myself out of this stupid cage of being proper and nice, of being modest and critical. I want to be a little careless and free. Free to be me and fucking love it! I wanna be excited about starting Film School, believing I’ll make some awesome shit! Believing I’ll have opportunities to act, perform, sing and entertain as well.
Why am I such a strong person, yet not strong enough to handle rejection? Why can I bear hurt, bullying, emotional distress- yet not fucking hard work towards my dreams? The need to be good drove me to the wrong places, to self-harm, to neglect. I am already GOOD.
I am already a GOOD person, I am already a GOOD actor, I am already a GOOD comedian, I am already a GOOD creative director, I am already a GREAT musician. It hurts me to write it, it feels so empty, full of doubt. Though, I know, it’s the truth. I just know it’s the truth. I just fucking know that this is why I should be doing with my life. I know that I shouldn’t spent another minute in my life holding back my art, my creativity, myself from the world.
I WILL NOT WITHHOLD MYSELF FROM THE WORLD. FUCK THIS SHIT.
Idan, you’re strong enough to be yourself completely, with pride, love and fabbbb. I want to make a promise to myself, to not sabotage myself anymore. NO! Not with stupid judgement and criticism during a creative process, not with giving up on trying and not with tiring myself to perfection.
To end it with a song, here we go.