New Year’s- Looking Back and Ahead

I woke up a bit stressed out of all the things I need to do- they’re really not that much, it only feels that way. So I thought to write down a summary of this year and my goals for this year. Instead of calling in a resolution, instead of it being a mission- it’s more of a list of something to look for.

This year has been crazy. I have changed so much! I went from being everyday at home, trying to handle my mental illness by myself, not seeing other people- into a university schedule with people each week. I am healthier than before. Of course, I have still things to overcome- like believing in myself and in my worth more; enjoying other people freely; being calmer.

My Vision for the Next Year, 2016:

  1. Having self confidence and higher self esteem: Believing in my artworks, in my kind nature and in my worth as a person.
  2. Taking on opportunities more: Saying yes to projects, exploring different places, trying new things.
  3. Having a Peace of Mind: Learning ways to relax, stress less about school, life and the future.
  4. Creating more, Getting myself out there: Building my YouTube channel, sharing more videos, collaborating with different creators and having fun with it.
  5. Being more independent financially: Finding a job, balancing it with university and moving to a dorm apartment.

These are my goals, my desires. None of it has to come true, but even if just one thing will- I’d feel so much better.

Thoughts, Boom-Boom

My mind is racing with thoughts again. Anytime I have a task, I’m anxious and obsessed about handling it and finishing it. I always have a task. It can be for university, it can be a house chore and it can be “find happiness”. Doesn’t really matter.

You all know my anxiety issues. I handle it pretty well, but lately it’s harder to do. I have recurring patterns of feeling like I am a bad person, incapable, alone and unsuccessful. So let me share everything that’s on my mind as for now:

1. University TV course Task: I need to to think about an idea for a 3 camera project for TV production class. I have no freaking idea. I want something cool, fun or funny or everything together. I’m stressed and I feel bad. I don’t really know my partner and she kind of relies on me, she claims she’s not creative. I am pretty good with having ideas, I guess I just don’t have the inspiration or fun idea. I know it doesn’t have to be perfect, I’m not looking for perfect, I am just looking for something.

2. Friendships: I’m starting to build relationships with people around the university. As a result, my insecurity with having friendships is rising like crazy. Fear of toxic friendships, thinking nobody wants to hangout with me, insecure about my ability to manage friendships and etc. I had unstable friendships. A part of it, is obviously on my responsibility, because my insecurity makes me stay closed. I have no energy or desire to hangout, I run back home. On the other hand, I don’t want to stay the whole weekend home. I need forceful friends. Ugh. I blame myself though. I wish I was different and cool and fun to hangout with. I wish I had energy for that. I need that, but can’t, or can I?

3. Fear of Depression: I’m afraid my depression is back. Which means- not enjoying anything, not committing to anything and sabotaging myself. I know I can handle that and survive. But I REALLY don’t want to ruin the new things in my life. On the other hand, I’m not even creating new things fearing I might lose them. UGH.

Fear and insecurity. Why am I not surprised? I still haven’t found a way to calm myself down. I listen to music, I vent in a blog, I laugh. But it doesn’t stop my obsession of finding an idea for class nor of thoughts about how a shitty, lame person I am.

When will I fucking love the hell of myself? I know it’s near. IT REALLY IS. OMG IT IS. I hated myself so much! I was in the closet, hiding my gayness. I let toxic people shit on me. I believed all the lies. I didn’t even fight and resisted what they said. I am much more confident than I have been in the past. Maybe it’s actually a positive thing. You know, protecting myself. Maybe I shouldn’t expect of me to act differently and embrace that, love myself regardless of my mistakes, insecurities, anxiety and imperfections. I obsess mostly with being perfect and good.

It makes sense I have trusting issues. Hell yeah it is. I still fear I’ll be taken advantage of and humiliated. I am awkward because I am not comfortable yet. I went through an amazing journey. I am in a whole other place, by my own, handling it all. I handled the Secretary issues, I did it all by myself. I can let go now and let other people in. But it’s ok if I take it slow.

Those people who want me to rush, just can’t understand or won’t. Yeah, I can hurt other people, I can make mistakes, I can be annoying as fuck. But if you can’t handle it, handle my imperfections, then you don’t have to.

Now, Idan, I’m talking to you- love yourself in spite of, and because of your imperfections. They are merely marks of your past. These insecurities are reminders for what you’ve been through and surviving it. They show how amazing you are. How truly amazing it is, that you can actually walk outside of your house and talk with people and initiate conversation and create. In spite of it all.

I Don’t Want Any Friends.

I rather be alone. You can never disappoint, when you have no one to have expectations of you. I rather be alone. No one to take care of, except myself, even when treating myself is in itself, an issue.

I rather have no friends at all, so I can never be disappointed. No one to hurt me. No one to lie to me. No one that could talk about my back.

I rather sabotage it all, so no one would manage to get ahead of me. Laugh at myself in public, so no one would precede me.

I rather have a one-night stand knowing it will never be a relationship, so I could never be open. I rather lie to you so I would never have to deal with hurting you and with the pain that I feel about the pain I caused.

I rather hurt myself, judge myself, take responsibility on everything, take the fault- so no one would ever get hurt because of me. I rather do that, so I can be a good person.

I rather doubt myself and what I do, always, so I would never fail, never take risks, never fall and shatter again.

I rather share my deepest wounds online, so I would never have to do it, when looking in your eyes, through mine, giving you the option to take that, and break me.

I rather lower everyone’s expectations of me, so no one would ever ask me for anything, that I could fail with. So no one could make me commit to something. So I could escape when it gets hard.

I refuse committing to making mistakes, because I don’t believe I could learn from them and be better. Because I will crash and shatter. Because I don’t believe I can ever get up.

Hating Myself Again

These 2 weeks have pushed me forward towards my fears and anxieties. I hold a lot of emotions back lately, I want to ignore the fact that I’m still not 100% OK, fine or done. But, honestly, I feel like I am going to burst with tears and screams, for once, though, I want to do the right thing and let it out here.

Hating myself. Yeah, that’s my current unpleasant reality. It took me a while to understand why I feel highly uneasy and out of focus. Just now, in fact, I realize it is due to the fact that I had few situations these 2 weeks that faced me with insecurities about myself.

  1. I had an incident with the secretary of my Film major. It is a really long and boring story, however, to make things short- I wasn’t in my right schedule for my first university week, which stress me the hell out and caused my anxiety to burst in email to the secretary. Even if I was right in my demands, I wasn’t as smart and polite as I should have been. This has made me feel bad about myself, my behavior and generated in me high level of guilt.
  2. Being in a Film school, is a wonderful thing, you can explore what you love, what you don’t like and generally exposed to lots of new ideas. However, my anxiety caused me to simply not enjoy, become bored and wanting to go home as soon as I can. Which made me fear that I might not finish this school, end up with nothing again, starting from scratch.
  3. I had a really not nice sharing of emotions with someone. I had a sexual, intimate experience with someone. I didn’t feel good after. Not because of him, but because I am not comfortable with my body, with my sexuality and with the secrecy of doing it. He got hurt when I told him how I felt. Which makes me feel really bad about myself. Which makes me feel like I just shouldn’t talk with anyone and just stay alone and celibate.

As you can tell, stressful events for certain. Events that made me feel really bad about myself. It is hard to shake that self hate off of yourself. It is lingering because you feel like it’s how you should feel, if you want to ever become ‘good’. I wish I loved myself so I could actually enjoy being around people and creating my own things.

I wish I loved how I look. I wish I loved how I create. I wish I was patient with my anxiety and depression. But then, all these wishes, contradicts my desire to love myself and be patient. I am who I am right now. I don’t believe in it completely, but I know that the only way to feel better is to accept and appreciate myself no matter how I function.

I am afraid I’ll fail in school. I am afraid I will never be able to enjoy intimately with another man. I am afraid I’ll have to lie in order to date someone. I am afraid my anxiety will only get worse. I am afraid I’ll always be alone.

All that really left is to let go the fear and the shame I put on myself. Letting of putting myself on high pedestal and judging myself by the highest demands.

If you read this, and I hurt you- just know, that I hurt myself even more. I damage myself even more. I try to heal it, deal with it, treat it. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it doesn’t.

And here we go again on a journey of loving oneself.

When Does It Ends?

Here we meet again. After a lot of months. This is the place where I can release everything, with probably the least attention.

I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life, university, yet I’m not where near happy or excited. I was excited for a while, but it was easy to demolish these infrequent emotions. I am still in a state of depression and anxiety, racing towards healing and joy.

Though, I am at a different place. No longer a spiritual youngster. Just a young person. I feel that spirituality was a tool for me to escape the pain, to explain my difference.

I have a lot of masks to numb the confusion, disbelief, hopelessness, constant fear and sadness that I feel. I put the cynical mask to entertain people, or the “loser” character to laugh off my true feeling of failure and low self-esteem.My YouTube Channels help me with releasing some tension and being in lighter head spaces.

However, I’ve noticed a pattern I am getting used to when I feel lost. I tend to go into obsession with self-improvement and stretch my fatigue further. I keep going into the “strong” mindset and resist my anxiety, depression and building physical pressure.

I hate being in this places of in-authenticity. It confuses me and makes me lose my identity or my sense of self. I am really not that “loser” inside, the ones who gives up or thinks everything is going down. I am actually an optimistic person who experiences some deep low self-esteem. I do feel like I have failed. Failed to pursue acting, failed to excel on YouTube, failed at taking care of myself. I can’t stand failure and in order to be a successful person, I have to deal with disappointments and not let it break me down.

But and it’s an important point- understanding why I’m easily affected is crucial. Low self-esteem is a true thing people. Believing you’re weird, unprofessional, pathetic, not good enough and lazy is detrimental. It’s deadly.

When will it ends? When will the skies get clearer? When will I finally feel good about myself again? I remember believing I can do this, I remember having no doubt in my dreams. I remember enjoying life, enjoying performing. I remember spending days on writing ideas for videos, creating mini-games, being artistic and loving it. It’s in me somewhere, it’s in me. I know it, even though, I’m crying as I write this blog post.

I bore myself with this constant situation of insecurity. ARGHHH! I want to shout and love who I am. I want to scream myself out of this stupid cage of being proper and nice, of being modest and critical. I want to be a little careless and free. Free to be me and fucking love it! I wanna be excited about starting Film School, believing I’ll make some awesome shit! Believing I’ll have opportunities to act, perform, sing and entertain as well.

Why am I such a strong person, yet not strong enough to handle rejection? Why can I bear hurt, bullying, emotional distress- yet not fucking hard work towards my dreams? The need to be good drove me to the wrong places, to self-harm, to neglect. I am already GOOD.

I am already a GOOD person, I am already a GOOD actor, I am already a GOOD comedian, I am already a GOOD creative director, I am already a GREAT musician. It hurts me to write it, it feels so empty, full of doubt. Though, I know, it’s the truth. I just know it’s the truth. I just fucking know that this is why I should be doing with my life. I know that I shouldn’t spent another minute in my life holding back my art, my creativity, myself from the world.

I WILL NOT WITHHOLD MYSELF FROM THE WORLD. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Idan, you’re strong enough to be yourself completely, with pride, love and fabbbb. I want to make a promise to myself, to not sabotage myself anymore. NO! Not with stupid judgement and criticism during a creative process, not with giving up on trying and not with tiring myself to perfection.

To end it with a song, here we go.

90’s Summer

Do you remember the 90’s summer days? The light lit our tiny hearts, sending rays of rainbows from within to without. Do you remember how we used to play with not much thought?

Do you remember smelling the flowers? Remember our knees’ friction with the concrete playground? Remember the carelessness that pulled us in our bodies, hugging it out?

We had no self-awareness, no comparison to one another, no worries, no complex thought patterns. Just us, the Sun, the warm weather and our friends.

We are so colorful, varying in shape, size, age and height. We are that 90’s summer Sun, we are as beautiful as these fuzzy exhilarating memories. As children, we were nothing but beautiful. Today, we still are.

The colorfulness in our spirit and our appearance is what makes us joyful in just being. We are nothing but unique special pieces of the big puzzle. Instead of yearning for something that is past, let us all create these feelings in the present moment.

This is How an Actor Should be…

Mercury is retrograding. It’s always a perfect time for reflection, self-inquiry and lots of frustrating miscommunications. Being a Gemini Rising, Mercury rules both my 1st and 4th houses. So it doesn’t only make me question everything, yet on top of that, makes my relationship with my family go haywire.

I am crying again. I am frustrated with the fact that my parents are mentally ill. Not in the full blown stereotype people envision once they hear this word. Like most of us, they have toxic beliefs inside their brains. My parents have the worst relationship you can imagine. They aren’t mentally compatible, they don’t understand each other. My father triggers my mother’s issues with her parents and my mother triggers my father’s money issues. I am always in the middle of it. My brothers are too, but because I am mostly at home, I am affected by it the most. Another common issue they have is with their unfulfilled dreams and potential, this is all goes down to me.

I am an ambitious guy. I have no direction though, no encourager. My parents cannot encourage me. How can they? No one encouraged them and they didn’t go after their dreams. Trust me, I’m full of empathy towards them, but enough is enough. They act like immature grown ups. They want to help me, but instead, they discourage me. They don’t mean to, they just don’t know how to do it. I still can’t blame them. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who’s “to blame”. This is my responsibility to change my life. I desperately yearn for a guide, a mentor. A mentor that is able to give me his full attention. I have a problem with seeking attention, as it seems like I never get enough of it, I feel undeserving. You may not be aware, but the youngest child has huge issues regarding attention. They are always shamed for getting the most attention, so they go into the opposite direction, trying to prove to everyone that they can do everything by themselves.

I want to be healthy. It’s not easy in this environment. But I honestly have no where to go. I blame the lack of money, but that’s not the issue. I cannot let other people in, other people to count on. I would instantly feel like a burden. So I rather suffer here.

Anybody volunteers to be my mentor? Anyone?