My mind is racing with thoughts again. Anytime I have a task, I’m anxious and obsessed about handling it and finishing it. I always have a task. It can be for university, it can be a house chore and it can be “find happiness”. Doesn’t really matter.
You all know my anxiety issues. I handle it pretty well, but lately it’s harder to do. I have recurring patterns of feeling like I am a bad person, incapable, alone and unsuccessful. So let me share everything that’s on my mind as for now:
1. University TV course Task: I need to to think about an idea for a 3 camera project for TV production class. I have no freaking idea. I want something cool, fun or funny or everything together. I’m stressed and I feel bad. I don’t really know my partner and she kind of relies on me, she claims she’s not creative. I am pretty good with having ideas, I guess I just don’t have the inspiration or fun idea. I know it doesn’t have to be perfect, I’m not looking for perfect, I am just looking for something.
2. Friendships: I’m starting to build relationships with people around the university. As a result, my insecurity with having friendships is rising like crazy. Fear of toxic friendships, thinking nobody wants to hangout with me, insecure about my ability to manage friendships and etc. I had unstable friendships. A part of it, is obviously on my responsibility, because my insecurity makes me stay closed. I have no energy or desire to hangout, I run back home. On the other hand, I don’t want to stay the whole weekend home. I need forceful friends. Ugh. I blame myself though. I wish I was different and cool and fun to hangout with. I wish I had energy for that. I need that, but can’t, or can I?
3. Fear of Depression: I’m afraid my depression is back. Which means- not enjoying anything, not committing to anything and sabotaging myself. I know I can handle that and survive. But I REALLY don’t want to ruin the new things in my life. On the other hand, I’m not even creating new things fearing I might lose them. UGH.
Fear and insecurity. Why am I not surprised? I still haven’t found a way to calm myself down. I listen to music, I vent in a blog, I laugh. But it doesn’t stop my obsession of finding an idea for class nor of thoughts about how a shitty, lame person I am.
When will I fucking love the hell of myself? I know it’s near. IT REALLY IS. OMG IT IS. I hated myself so much! I was in the closet, hiding my gayness. I let toxic people shit on me. I believed all the lies. I didn’t even fight and resisted what they said. I am much more confident than I have been in the past. Maybe it’s actually a positive thing. You know, protecting myself. Maybe I shouldn’t expect of me to act differently and embrace that, love myself regardless of my mistakes, insecurities, anxiety and imperfections. I obsess mostly with being perfect and good.
It makes sense I have trusting issues. Hell yeah it is. I still fear I’ll be taken advantage of and humiliated. I am awkward because I am not comfortable yet. I went through an amazing journey. I am in a whole other place, by my own, handling it all. I handled the Secretary issues, I did it all by myself. I can let go now and let other people in. But it’s ok if I take it slow.
Those people who want me to rush, just can’t understand or won’t. Yeah, I can hurt other people, I can make mistakes, I can be annoying as fuck. But if you can’t handle it, handle my imperfections, then you don’t have to.
Now, Idan, I’m talking to you- love yourself in spite of, and because of your imperfections. They are merely marks of your past. These insecurities are reminders for what you’ve been through and surviving it. They show how amazing you are. How truly amazing it is, that you can actually walk outside of your house and talk with people and initiate conversation and create. In spite of it all.