When Does It Ends?

Here we meet again. After a lot of months. This is the place where I can release everything, with probably the least attention.

I’ll be starting a new chapter in my life, university, yet I’m not where near happy or excited. I was excited for a while, but it was easy to demolish these infrequent emotions. I am still in a state of depression and anxiety, racing towards healing and joy.

Though, I am at a different place. No longer a spiritual youngster. Just a young person. I feel that spirituality was a tool for me to escape the pain, to explain my difference.

I have a lot of masks to numb the confusion, disbelief, hopelessness, constant fear and sadness that I feel. I put the cynical mask to entertain people, or the “loser” character to laugh off my true feeling of failure and low self-esteem.My YouTube Channels help me with releasing some tension and being in lighter head spaces.

However, I’ve noticed a pattern I am getting used to when I feel lost. I tend to go into obsession with self-improvement and stretch my fatigue further. I keep going into the “strong” mindset and resist my anxiety, depression and building physical pressure.

I hate being in this places of in-authenticity. It confuses me and makes me lose my identity or my sense of self. I am really not that “loser” inside, the ones who gives up or thinks everything is going down. I am actually an optimistic person who experiences some deep low self-esteem. I do feel like I have failed. Failed to pursue acting, failed to excel on YouTube, failed at taking care of myself. I can’t stand failure and in order to be a successful person, I have to deal with disappointments and not let it break me down.

But and it’s an important point- understanding why I’m easily affected is crucial. Low self-esteem is a true thing people. Believing you’re weird, unprofessional, pathetic, not good enough and lazy is detrimental. It’s deadly.

When will it ends? When will the skies get clearer? When will I finally feel good about myself again? I remember believing I can do this, I remember having no doubt in my dreams. I remember enjoying life, enjoying performing. I remember spending days on writing ideas for videos, creating mini-games, being artistic and loving it. It’s in me somewhere, it’s in me. I know it, even though, I’m crying as I write this blog post.

I bore myself with this constant situation of insecurity. ARGHHH! I want to shout and love who I am. I want to scream myself out of this stupid cage of being proper and nice, of being modest and critical. I want to be a little careless and free. Free to be me and fucking love it! I wanna be excited about starting Film School, believing I’ll make some awesome shit! Believing I’ll have opportunities to act, perform, sing and entertain as well.

Why am I such a strong person, yet not strong enough to handle rejection? Why can I bear hurt, bullying, emotional distress- yet not fucking hard work towards my dreams? The need to be good drove me to the wrong places, to self-harm, to neglect. I am already GOOD.

I am already a GOOD person, I am already a GOOD actor, I am already a GOOD comedian, I am already a GOOD creative director, I am already a GREAT musician. It hurts me to write it, it feels so empty, full of doubt. Though, I know, it’s the truth. I just know it’s the truth. I just fucking know that this is why I should be doing with my life. I know that I shouldn’t spent another minute in my life holding back my art, my creativity, myself from the world.


Idan, you’re strong enough to be yourself completely, with pride, love and fabbbb. I want to make a promise to myself, to not sabotage myself anymore. NO! Not with stupid judgement and criticism during a creative process, not with giving up on trying and not with tiring myself to perfection.

To end it with a song, here we go.

90’s Summer

Do you remember the 90’s summer days? The light lit our tiny hearts, sending rays of rainbows from within to without. Do you remember how we used to play with not much thought?

Do you remember smelling the flowers? Remember our knees’ friction with the concrete playground? Remember the carelessness that pulled us in our bodies, hugging it out?

We had no self-awareness, no comparison to one another, no worries, no complex thought patterns. Just us, the Sun, the warm weather and our friends.

We are so colorful, varying in shape, size, age and height. We are that 90’s summer Sun, we are as beautiful as these fuzzy exhilarating memories. As children, we were nothing but beautiful. Today, we still are.

The colorfulness in our spirit and our appearance is what makes us joyful in just being. We are nothing but unique special pieces of the big puzzle. Instead of yearning for something that is past, let us all create these feelings in the present moment.

This is How an Actor Should be…

Mercury is retrograding. It’s always a perfect time for reflection, self-inquiry and lots of frustrating miscommunications. Being a Gemini Rising, Mercury rules both my 1st and 4th houses. So it doesn’t only make me question everything, yet on top of that, makes my relationship with my family go haywire.

I am crying again. I am frustrated with the fact that my parents are mentally ill. Not in the full blown stereotype people envision once they hear this word. Like most of us, they have toxic beliefs inside their brains. My parents have the worst relationship you can imagine. They aren’t mentally compatible, they don’t understand each other. My father triggers my mother’s issues with her parents and my mother triggers my father’s money issues. I am always in the middle of it. My brothers are too, but because I am mostly at home, I am affected by it the most. Another common issue they have is with their unfulfilled dreams and potential, this is all goes down to me.

I am an ambitious guy. I have no direction though, no encourager. My parents cannot encourage me. How can they? No one encouraged them and they didn’t go after their dreams. Trust me, I’m full of empathy towards them, but enough is enough. They act like immature grown ups. They want to help me, but instead, they discourage me. They don’t mean to, they just don’t know how to do it. I still can’t blame them. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who’s “to blame”. This is my responsibility to change my life. I desperately yearn for a guide, a mentor. A mentor that is able to give me his full attention. I have a problem with seeking attention, as it seems like I never get enough of it, I feel undeserving. You may not be aware, but the youngest child has huge issues regarding attention. They are always shamed for getting the most attention, so they go into the opposite direction, trying to prove to everyone that they can do everything by themselves.

I want to be healthy. It’s not easy in this environment. But I honestly have no where to go. I blame the lack of money, but that’s not the issue. I cannot let other people in, other people to count on. I would instantly feel like a burden. So I rather suffer here.

Anybody volunteers to be my mentor? Anyone?

I’m a Failure

Yep, you read right, I am a failure. Why? Oh… that’s because I was born to fail. That’s because I don’t make enough effort towards my success, or that is what my mind tells me at least. The truth? I feel undeserving of success, other people deserve it more than I do, because they are way more talented, they truly dedicate themselves to their dreams, I’m not- I’m a failure, I am a lazy bum, I just want to lie down in my house and be a complete loser.

Harsh, right? Well, these are the thoughts I’m facing each day since my decision to quite ordinary life. Ha, like that isn’t enough for these thoughts to prove my dedication. Why do I need to prove myself to anyone anyway? Maybe it’s because we were taught in our society that success isn’t something for everyone, it is only for the hard-workers, for these special people who do crazy things, for those ones who are just really talented, unlike you. Maybe it’s because we need to earn degrees to prove our worth and get straight A’s. Maybe it’s because it’s something so sick and so deep in our society, that worth comes with work, instead of worth working for us.

After a great morning self-inquiry, I saw how much SHIT I’m feeding myself with. Funny, then I hate myself for feeling unmotivated. DUH! If you keep telling yourself that you’ll never succeed no matter what you do, that you’re the embodiment of failure, why would you work your ass off for your goals?

Since I quit national service, I’ve been triggered as hell. Every single relaxed moment is provoking the thought: “huh, look at you, you’re doing nothing to succeed. You’re a lazy bum. All you wanna do is just sit here and do absouletly nothing. You’ll never succeed, it doesn’t work that way. You have to prove it, you have to put effort,  you have to dedicate yourself and you never will, because you’re innately a failure, innately lazy and lazy people don’t want to do anything to succeed”. What?! Is that what you have to face everyday and you still not giving up? What the hell are you?

Exactly. That is what I should tell myself. That in spite all of these discouraging thoughts, I still put up 3 videos every week, learn and do astrology and sing. No matter how much shit I’m being told in that awfully good mind record. The truth about success is that you never give in to negativity, to criticism, to failing. The truth about success is that you own it from the moment you wanted it. Successful people succeed because they want it and they are willing to go forward and get up regardless of these idiot people who tell you that you’re nothing special.

However, it is not easy. It is not easy at all. A lot of people give in to these voices because they are too strong. They lack support from within and without and most of all- lack the awareness of these thoughts. They are so used to hearing these words, that they forget it is in their heads. Awareness is truly the key for getting off this cycle. Teal Swan work helped me exactly with that and if you’re not familiar with her work, check her out. It is truly a gift.

You are not innately a failure; you shouldn’t suffer to prove your worth and deserving. Yeah, there are a lot of talented people and because you admire them, you think they are better. That’s not the case mister. You deserve success, recognition and financial abundance as much as they do. You don’t know it, but they fought these voices too. You freaking deserve anything you want just because you want it and that’s just about enough motivation you need to succeed and do anything you can and know to achieve it. Laziness is an ugly scam. No one is lazy, some just gave in.

The biggest proof that I want and deserve it is that no matter how hard, strong, negative and discouraging these beliefs in my mind are, I don’t give up. If I was “lazy”, a “failure”, a “burden”- I would have stopped trying a long time ago. I’d do what most people do- give up on my dreams and do the 9 to 5 slavery for the rest of my life. If you gave up, it is never too late to become aware of the lies you’ve been told by yourself and society. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE. Come on, fly! You can do it! I know you can.

Conscious Loss of Control

Yesterday, I decided- I am going to take 3 days break of the obsessive need to control everything. Whether it’s controlling others, controlling situations or controlling emotions. Esta la vista Control. Why do I consciously choose to lose control and breakdown?

I’m at a point in my life where most of the things are in my totalitarian control. I must be strong; I must figure things out; I must earn X amount of money a month; I must …. No, sorry. I’m over it. The reason why the crucial areas of my life are stagnated is because I obssess about figuring things out, finding solutions or finding a way out. You cannot solve an issue or move forward with the old way of thinking. You cannot think of new ideas with the structure of the old mindset. This is why “God” took the Hebrew people for a 40 years long walk in the desert- they were in the powerless victim mentality and there’s no way in hell they can reach freedom with this way of thinking.

And so does the universe manifests like that in my life. I feel like I’m walking the desert for too long. While in fact, it’s a practice of changing this negative pattern of obsessive control. I tried a year ago, practicing the art of allowing and it yielded some awesome results. I didn’t further with this practice, though. Not only that this is the lesson and role of a Pisces Sun (astrology rambling coming, brace yourselves), it’s an important skill for a person like me with huge dreams and aspirations. If I want to live abroad, I need to shed the “powerlessness-victim-I’m on my own-mentality” of off me.

Few components make the whole “deity” of allowing. One of them is trust. You cannot let go and lose control without trusting the universe and people around you that you will be taken care of. The true, toughest reason why people cannot give up control is because they believe, from some reason, that they are alone in life. They believe no one will catch them when they’ll fall. They believe they have to do it all by themselves because this is how a good and responsible person behaves. And so on.

Sometimes, you need to heal the issue with an introspective introverted approach that focuses on the core of the issue. But sometimes a person got to jump into the cold deep water and take the external experiential approach of triggering the crazy fear and just letting go of control. None of them are easy, because that freaking mentality is attached to you like mosquitoes are attached to your blood, and it itches. I’ve decided though and so I’m taking 3 days off of control. What does it mean?

No “fix-yourself-asap” quality time; No “HOW AM I GOING TO FORCE PEOPLE TO LIKE ME” craze; No “Figure out the ‘monies'” and most importantly no plans or structure. Total loss of control. Even if I’ll end up like a rebellious homeless resentful teenager. Scary? yes. Do I give a fuck? Nope.

Center and Intention

Funny how when people go crazy, people tell them: “You’ve lost it”. We think we mean that they’ve lost their minds. However, in my experience it is not the case. Unconsciously we mean- you’ve lost your center, you’ve lost yourself.

Spirituality was always a part of me, always is. But in the last 6 months, I felt… honestly, betrayed. Here I am, the believer, the spiritual catalyst, the giver and yet- my life’s shit, people disrespect my beliefs, I’m alone, single and stuck here.

Routine is an important factor in being focused, directed by intention. When I hear the word routine, I want to jump off a cliff. This word is associate for me with boredom, stagnation, “normal” and endless prison. That is true, if your routine is terrible. In fact, my so called routine-free daily life is terrible and filled with stagnation. I have no focus and no direction. I’m easily flown by the current. My center isn’t grounded. My focus is black. My intentions are ethereal and clouded.

This insight came to me as a vision in my mind- a picture with blackness in the middle. Even in my dreams, I’m tired and cannot see. It’s all blurry and it is very hard to walk. I haven’t paid much intention, until now. This spiritual doubt journey led me to loss.

When I was 15, everything was vivid and clear, regardless of my emotional state. I was high on the clarity, the sense of realness that the spiritual world has to offer. You all know my breaking points if you read my blog. Isn’t it the time to pick up the pieces? Isn’t it time to gain a center again? I feel like it is. I have fractions of memories when I see something that’s strong enough to pulsate my heart. I know that I am a guide (although my mind tells me how lazy and shitty I am and aren’t practically helping people); I know I’m an artist (although my mind tell me I suck at this and at the same breathe criticizes me for not doing enough art); I know I am a beautiful man (although my mind tells me I’m unattractive); I know I’m wise beyond my years (although my mind tells me it’s arrogant and egotistical).


I have not lost my mind. I have lost my heart.

Wash Away – Poem *TRIGERRING*

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Hold on, look at you’ve done.
This is not the right time,
You’ve been told it all wrong.

All this self-abuse goes down to drain,
You cannot be better,
You are already good.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Wash the pain away,
dripping on the bathroom floor.
Steam your tears into the air,
Let God cry with you through the rain.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Hey boy, what are you doing here?
Hell is not a place for you,
Why are you standing here still?

Hey boy, what’s running down your hand?
Put that knife down, put that away.
They won’t know, they won’t care,
Their shame sets the criminal free.

Boy, the dark allies weren’t made for you.
Run when you’ve still got a chance,
Run the pain away.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.

Wash wash away,
Wash wash away.